TIL abt the concept of
munbonding
... and i guess it's kinda what i have with sylvie, and what
i had with hideki when he was still active. i always feel odd
considering these kinda terms for myself, esp since i'm very aware they are just characters in
my skull, and that they are in a way coping for me to have someone to talk to
i just have no other way to put it into words outside of 'this green freak sometimes appears and
throws stupid comments out while i'm doing things' and that they react immediately instead of me
needing to imagine how they'd react; its so weird to describe it. freaky imaginary friend who does
whatever they want when i think of them and blinks cutely (fond)
its like if someone asks me a question about them, i either Know the answer, or i can Hear them answer it in my skull like a conversation
that does make me wonder why the term imaginary friend isnt used more often ... is it because you see them more as imaginary? even though their origin is your mind and they are someone you interact wity? is it just the association of 'imaginary friend' being used for kids? can of worms to unpack and makes me just wonder
on a brighter note, working through my new food page and god it's! sure something on my skull
rn, but I am proud of figuring out how to add pseudo variant classes to swap out what
washi tape is active
i uh. definitely have to be careful to not publish the page while it's still a mess LOL
sometimes i wonder if people would notice if i disappear. i don't mean in the suicidal
sense, more in the sense of just disappearing off a social media. sometimes it does ache a
little to see mutuals very 'omg i love you guys!' with lists of other mutuals i also have,
but i'm not there because i'm not social enough as those people, when even ones who have
disappeared off the feed and come back get a giant fanfare
do people notice they're gone...?
it does suck a little to be reminded that i don't have the energy output to keep up like
those people do. i don't have the brain capacity to offer gifts or art or questions/asks, or
give the same peppy OMGGG I LOVE THIS UR SO GORGEOUS [goes on for 20 more lines] energy
i know its not stuff to concern myself over, but goblin brain is goblin brain and it just
makes me feel a little isolated sometimes
the maddening thing sylvie hates (loves) about zhongli is that he's the type of person when
playing games/cards pretends to be so oblivious about it while he's beating their ass at the
current match
bats his eyelashes and he's just 'perhaps it's merely luck being on my side'
all they want to do is strangle every cubic inch of air out of him and know they cant because
he'd just enjoy it
ouuhgghhh i'm gonna be so mad and super fucking petty right now cause this is my hole and i'm
gonna read more it for the sake of not exploding, so below is me complaining abt zhongli ship
(y/n mostly) dynamics. i just needed to get it off my skull somewhere
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but oh my god why are 99% of the zhongli y/n situations so NOT HIM. I DON'T SEE HIM DATING A
HUMAN. I DON'T SEE HIM DATING A PAST LOVER INCARNATED, WHY WOULD HE SUBJECT HIMSELF TO THE
TRAUMA OF LOSS LIKE THAT!!!!! THE PERSON REINCARNATED =/= THE PAST PERSON, THEY ARE THEIR
OWN ENTITY!!!!!!
YEAH YEAH EVERYONE HAS THEIR OWN BARBIE DOLL INTERPRETATIONS BUT I CANT SEE THIS MAN DOING
THAT!!!!!!!!!!!
anyway sorry i have a lot of emotions abt this man and all the loss he's experienced through
losing both people and other adepti and other old friends like azhdaha, and i just cannot
see this man ever choosing to date someone whose lifespan is the equivalent of a drop in the
water to him!!!
like MAYBE you can argue it's like wanting to see a flower bloom and to experience a
fleeting moment that is all yours to cherish, but like ... again, he's went through the
archon war, he's went through the cataclysm, HE WAS ACHING AT LOSING AZHDAHA. THIS IS A MAN
WHO BOTH WANTS TO RELEASE THE PAST FROM HIMSELF (rex lapis) AND WANTS TO AVOID CLINGING TO
IT BECAUSE IT'S A DANGEROUS, SLIPPERY SLOPE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I'VE DUG MY OWN SELFMADE HELLHOLE TO HAVE A SHIP OF GOD X GOD CAUSE NO ONE DOES THAT DYNAMIC
WITH HIM FOR ME TO ACTUALLY GET ZHONGVIE CONTENT OUT OF IT!!!!!! ASIDE FROM ZHONGVEN BUT
THAT'S A SHIP AND IT'S IN MY MUTED TAG. AND EVEN WHEN I DO SEE IT, RARELY EVER FITS FOR THEM
BECAUSE THE Y/N IS SO 'omg ur just a small god compared to him' OR SOME OTHER POSITION OF
POWER THAT NEVER PUTS THEM ON AN EQUAL FOOTING AT ALL
things i will never say on socmed cause i'd be blown into literal smithereens for being the
no-fun police (I KNOW IT'S PETTY I KNOW, IT'S THE CURSE OF A BLORBO FIXATION FOR 4 YEARS)
sanity is making a spreadsheet to track mutuals but then it just turns into a lazy copy and
paste spitting out HTML for me to update my neighbours LOOL (help me)
Another rambly think piece; I guess my blogs end up being more of a dissection of my own self
more than anything, or a study piece of something ... but I didn't always used to have such
a divide of the personal self, and the 'art' self.
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Back when I was active on deviantART, I just had the single account where I yapped about
things I liked, and posted my art and fics too. There was no barrier between
myself and the artist, and even when I first moved onto tumblr, I posted
all of my art for the most part on my personal account, or my roleplaying account (which you
can argue is also 'personal' and 'art' combined).
At some point I ended up making an art tumblr to upload and store all my art to, but it
wasn't used much since I still preferred posting on my roleplaying blogs that I was
consistently on.
It wasn't until joining twitter in the ... 2017-2018 era ... that something changed. To
be fair, Twitter nuking your media to a shitty gallery didn't help, but I still posted
my art on my personal twitter. I also began doing commissions at the end of 2017, and
eventually began to move from pet site currency commissions to actual money commissions in a
few years.
So it was hard to really facilitate art commissions from a Twitter account that I kept
private just to keep it to my own hidey hole, and it didn't really work to have my
roleplaying blog be an official "art" account either, nor did my personal blog
really feel appropriate as a landing page for people when I'm here reblogging the
'do you like the colours of the sky' and pictures of plinko horse gifs.
So by necessity my art accounts came into being, that were just art, and some chatting here
and there from me.
It's so weird because I ... don't mind when other artists are vocal on their
accounts, and reblog things that have zero relationship to their art because they are just
people with interests. But I can't do that to my own. It's so hard to be open on my
art accounts, outside of tiny spurts, because I have a mental barrier of a 'persona'
when it comes to how I portray myself as an artist. It's not that I haven't yapped
about things I like (god knows you can find me being unhinged on my Bluesky over zhongvie,
tags does help for that), but I always feel like I have some need to curate everything.
Twitter definitely hasn't helped with having basically no way to filter out just the
artwork ... Bluesky has helped with having feeds and functional tags but ... (vaguely
gestures to the ongoing censorship shitshow). Sheezyart is great but it feels more like a
gallery than anywhere to really be unhinged. Tumblr I have already my personal blog of 13
years, I don't have a need to talk on my art blog there. Pillowfort is probably the
closest where I also feel more able to talk, like Bluesky.
It also doesn't help that I tend to have immensely low social energy now, and tend to
find it the easiest to be vocal on my personal tumblr, that's 99% just random crap
(fondly). And it sucks because artists being personal is what's appealing to people!!
I'd love to yap there!!! But I have such a mental barrier around it, that it makes it
hard!!!
And it sucks because it's you that draws people in. Pretty art is nice, but it
helps to know the artist beyond that. People do get me on those, but not in full.
And I want to keep personal and 'professional' separated, its why all my
personal accounts have slowly migrated to not be under Asuraid, but under things
like zhongvie, or sylviegirly. It's easier to reblog my own art to a personal account,
for the people who are cool with me being unhinged and uninhibited there, and leaving it as
just art and a more neutral self on my art accounts.
A personal part of me is always on display even on my art because my art is centered around
Sylvie, who is my comfort character.
I dunno if I have a concrete point to this blog, in particular, outside of this: man, it
sure sucks to juggle persona masks sometimes, but I very explicitly want a divide between my
'work' and my 'self'. Anyway to those who are on my personal site/blog,
congrats! You get the full unfiltered self.
giddily giggling kicking my feet at this little fic i got gifted for zhongvie on my tumblr
huheuehueheeuhee
#blabbering#zhongvie#i'd link it but idk if they want their writing shared off tumblr
@sylviegirly
does masking count for trying to appear functional online and peppy when ur just a shambling
emotional mess. sighs, i think 'customer service' as a freelance artist definitely contributes
to that i suppose
As per usual, probably a messy incoherence of a thought stream;
my blog about my own identity
touched upon this a bit, but I thought I'd get a little more ... in-depth I guess? I'm
always a little nervous talking about it because I ID as cis (minor aside for
cassgender / cassgirl, and maybe aligning
to some degree to demigirl if
you use the 'barest association with being a girl' description) and some part of me
always worries if I'm overstepping on toes in discussing gender, or how I discuss it, or
exploring it.
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Hideki was my first exploration into him being less
conforming to his gender; he's a cis guy through and through, but has always loved
feminine fashion, makeup, looking cute, but has always felt a strong divide with that
because of his history (a mother who's always wanted a daughter and has basically
berated him and put him down, and the daughter she did have after him died in an accident).
Is it because he wants it? Or is it because of what his mother has wanted to push
upon him? Is it weird to want to do that? Him living in Japan + having a same-sex
relationship has always brought up conflict and shame in how he wants to be himself, and
usually always kept it buried, or locked in the not-so-metaphorical closet. By the end
he's embraced it, although he still dresses more for comfort and hiding old scars, pinks
and whites bleed into his outfits, and as a streamer he openly embraces more of that part
and allows it to be more public online (vs in person).
Through Hideki I've learned to embrace what you like, and to be a little gentler to
yourself. Hideki was also my first foray into deep research into BPD, since he ended up
exhibiting personality signs of it. Talking to people who have it and were open to offering
their experiences, researching blogs that posted about their experiences, videos, articles
on therapy and the steps of therapy for it, medicines and what could help.
It's always a little scary to depict something that isn't you, and it's
why I sometimes have anxiety talking about even exploring gender through my OCs, because its
personal to who a person is.
It's so odd that with sexuality/romance I feel more comfortable exploring, but perhaps
it's because I've been dabbling in it longer, with my first real prominent OC I made
when I was like ... 14 being bi, and being exposed to the concept of different sexualities
early on.
Characters that explored gender I didn't encounter until much later while in the
roleplaying scene, and even to this day many characters I encountered tend to only err on
the nonbinary spectrum, with very few being trans, or fluid (and just as few who fall on any
aro and/or ace spectrum). Many people didn't talk about their personal experiences on
their roleplay blogs, so I got a lot less exposure to it until I really decided to make
Sylvie and returned to being more social on my personal/art socmeds.
Sylvie is my first real dive into exploring it more
in-depth, in having a character that's changed their ... not entirely their whole
identity over the time ... but most of my OCs up until that point haven't changed much
in how they felt about their gender or how they identified (not counting Cotton who I
changed semi-recently from he/him to they/them to it/they).
One of my close friends I met through RPing is NB themselves (and since then I've been
exposed to a lot more friends and mutuals who are NB/fluid/etc), and their OC (who Hideki
basically thinks of as a sibling/family) is agender. And because of knowing them, and
knowing this OC for years, I felt comfortable enough feeling out agender for Sylvie when I
made them. Sadly because it's 4 years ago, I can't say I remember my exact train of
thought outside of 'I don't think they'd really care about gender, they see
themselves as just Sylvie'.
I know we've also talked that agender and aro/ace characters tend to be misgendered and
have people try to push ships/sexual relations on them (I've seen it with Sylvie, people
have used he/him for them despite it being in my bio that it isn't, and my friend's
OC who's she/her but agender keeps getting fem terms used which they've stated
isn't accurate for her), which I guess was also another fuel for me to continue
exploring it.
It's almost funny how fast I dropped he/him for Sylvie when it felt gross to see it used
for them. Felt wrong. And they/them is what they remained. From Hideki's love of
dressing up in dresses and make-up, it bled to Sylvie as well. They like it because it just
feels nice, it makes them feel pretty to be in a short-cut cute dress, just as much as a
sexy suit combo.
And it's only in the last year I've really ... like stupid giggly found out I
really like she/her for Sylvie too. Like a puzzle piece that fits perfectly that
has me kicking my feet and blushing whenever it's used for them.
I still tend to use just they/them in writing because it's been 4 years of doing that,
but know they are the most girl-thing they/she to me who could crush me and I'd thank
them. It also introduced me to
librafeminine
as a gender (though sometimes they even feel closer to demigirl to me, but truthfully both
work in their own ways; librafeminine just fits them a little more because of being agender
primarily).
Their own confidence in their appearance and self, and embracing their own femineity has
helped me be a little more connected to my own, even if I don't necessarily ... err,
feel connected to it. Contradictory, but I dunno if it makes sense. On top of being a little
more comfortable with body hair (giving them a bush for my own coping, but it's also
because I'm tired of baby smooth everything down there).
I wish I could put the exact words into it but it just puts me through some stupidly giggly
euphoria looking at them looking as they are, but comfortably preferring to be called a
gorgeous lady because it's just so them.
I would love to in the future explore more fluid characters, or trans characters ... I cook
OCs immensely slowly though, and especially with how personal some stories can be and how
they can reflect the experiences of real people, I'd want to do it justice and not just
have it be an OC that becomes sidelined because my fixation is elsewhere (considering it
took 7-8 years for Hideki to wind down as my comfort/fixation OC, and Sylvie's been
going as that for 4 years now).
But until then, I do lovingly admire all the OCs people make, and the experiences people
have, because it lights up my world a little more with the colours of others.
sometimes being in a yume community really sucks when you don't have the energy to post about
your ship or interact as frequently as others (and subsequently only have a single ship vs
people who have a lot of ships they can talk about over many other fandoms), and that after 4
years of having said ship, there's very little you can say which you haven't said already or
discussed in DMs. or draw enough to post about them. or have income to commission them instead
it just feels a little lonely being on my tumblr feed sometimes when i see all my mutuals just
sending stuff to each other, and that i have little drive or desire to do that for others. it
feels like i'm the issue. some of it makes it hard to interact because it's fandoms i know
nothing about; i can't go insane over their ships bc i have no context or emotional connection.
and again, makes me feel like i'm the issue or not trying hard enough
and it sucks cause tumblr is my last real social media i'm active on that's a personal account,
and not me interacting through my art accounts, so hitting these ruts sucks ass
it'll pass (i've gotten to the point of not caring about it and sometimes interaction does come
more fluidly, but sometimes the emotions win out), just annoying to feel it. maybe i need to
reduce some of my yapping on stuff like status.cafe and just post more frequently there
18+ mention 🔞
sometimes the community is also like 110% horny over stuff too, and don't get me wrong i've
written and tagged some nasty stuff for zhongvie cause they're nowhere near vanilla
and i've done art/writing that's NSFW, but it's so abundant too that it also makes it hard
to just engage when it's all 'your f/o eats you out like this' or creampies or just writing
that's x reader NSFW stuff which i've never engaged in for the most part (most x reader fics
of zhongli suck sorry, i'm so tired of shitty yandere fics about him or x reader is some
dainty female human he's dating)
omg look at this cute bongo cat companion u can get on steam ... i saw one of my old
ex-coworkers playing it on steam (we're all gamers so i have a few added as friends) and went to
go download it myself. it types as u click and type ...
After using Obsidian for about two months, I've
kinda written a haphazard collection of thoughts around how I gather information/take notes
since I struggle with note taking and never found appeal in saving quotes or thoughts from
books, or have a think piece about a book ... or rather my brain just straight up doesn’t work
like that. If someone asked me for a memorable quote, I couldn’t offer you that. I can offer
memorable moments and emotions in that moment—I think in experiences and emotions about general
things I suppose.
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So what drove me to use Obsidian? Learning. I do not remember things I’ve learned, or rather
I do not retain them well. I can understand something perfectly and then blank out on how to
do it a week later, or even a few days later. So Obsidian felt perfect to make learning
notes and to link them together.
Hell, I've even made a whole wiki for myself for my Genshin game so I have access to
every character without needing to boot up the game, or check out what builds I had planned
for characters, and it's fun to see everything tie together between nations, elements,
materials used for weapons and characters, game roles, and so on.
I've begun storing recipes here too, though this one I'm torn if I wanna do it on my
iPhone notes (which has a great built-in conversion for tablespoons/cups), or keep it here,
or do both. It's easier for me to format here, versus copy and pasting recipe stuff on
mobile (so in the end I might still do both).
I don’t know what I’d call this … the concept of PKM, commonplacing, zettelkasten and all
that fly over my head to some degree; I want to give a name to what system I’m using (just
for the sake of knowing What it is), but I also just accept this is my place to
store snippets of information that tie together into their own bubbles (since I
really don’t think my random note on why leaves turn green during autumn will have
connections to my studies in Blender).
I would maybe like to analyze articles more, but circling back to quotes … my brain just
doesn’t work well at unpacking things, or citing quotes, and it’s a barrier I don’t know how
to work with outside of bookmarking articles I genuinely found interesting and maybe one day
forcing myself to take notes on it and what I liked about them.
Regardless, aside from my unsureness in what my note taking system is and places I wish to
change how I handle, it’s been nice having a ‘hub’ of information that’s local, not locked
to something online like Notion. I do have the sync so I can type on the go (I take notes of
my day to transfer to my physical journal, and sometimes it happens on my walks), but
otherwise this is just for me (and my hard drive backups).
Maybe I need to take sticky note thoughts as I read stuff but haha, I’m cursed with a brain
that Does in the Moment, it doesn’t Stop to Write. It’s why I forget because I get focused
on doing with my metaphorical—or literal—hands, not documenting it until I’m done and out of
that focused state (which sometimes is a minus because I will forget what I’ve done).
Anyway, to summarize, it's been nice to be able to write down things to revisit later,
and it helps for my own memory to write down things like mechanical steps to do things ... I
also like my shiny chart (all the yellow stuff is my Genshin Wiki, oops).
bleh, only issue with joining a new social media is the fixation i get for a few days to
constantly check and upload stuff which is annoying (context is joining pillowfort bc of what's
happening on bluesky)
Thinking about it, I've never liked making 'myself' in things ... avatars, picrew makers, games,
I've never really been fond of doing it ... but perhaps it's because since I was online (2010
and on), I've almost always used my OCs as a representation of myself (because they tend to have
a lot of me that subconsciously bleeds in).
(Spoilers for ... warframe I guess????????)
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The only mild exception to this was my early devART days where I used doodles of 'me' as I
am to decorate my journals, or boxes, or even avatars ... though as time passed, that slowly
phased out to use Resu instead, and even more so when I moved off devART to Tumblr. It was
Resu, then Hideki, and now
Sylvie. Even in games, I prefer to make Sylvie than even
consider making something to represent myself. That, or just something separate from me, but
perhaps with the colours I like.
Case in point, my Warframe drifter ... a guy, but lots of pinks and blanks and pastels
muddled in.
My Spirit City avatar is just pinks and browns, with my style of clothing.
Palia is the closest I've gotten to someone looking like 'me', but even then, it's not my
hair colour (I did have red highlights at a point, but that was way back in high school).
... which speaking of, I need to return to at some point now that they have animal handling
as a mechanic.
I guess some part of me has been wanting some physical representation of myself ... or some
'mascot' that's not just my OCs, because my OCs stand on their own feet with their own
development, but I also use them to represent me. It's not gonna change anytime soon from me
using Sylvie everywhere (they are my comfort character and emotional support after all, and
Hideki lasted 7 years as my comfort character), but I wanted some 'sona', some
design that is just ... a design, of stuff I like.
I had Cotton, but they're just ouppy shaped, not
something that can interact with things, and I'm not changing its design because I've had it
for years.
Anyway, this is not a coherent blog post, it's just me rambling and musing on things, and in
a weird way I'm at least happy I did make some design of something that I like and
could see as a ... 'hey, it's not me, but it represents things I like'. I do hope she
sticks, she's cute. Her design is simple
enough to draw, and get art made of (and that was on purpose).
Funny that I'm hella not a furry, but I just wouldn't find comfort in making something
that's human and a 'sona'.
Either way!!! Random thoughts, disconnect of the self yadda yadda, she's cute and fluffy
RIPS SHIRT OFF C1 LAUMA LETS FUCKIGN GOOOO RHRHGH RH RHGRHGHR HGH (i never did a recolour of the
splash art so it's still the original mod i had edited)
UGHH I'M SO ILL THEY CAME OUT LOOKING SO PRETTY AND THEIR ICON EDITS AND THE FACT LIL ANIMALS
FOLLOW THEM I'M SOO SHFSHFFH HSFHDHFSDFSHD FBRKRABR KARB KABRAKRARJABRRK
i long for the energy to partake in discord groups again, i miss being social but it's so hard
to keep up with conversations, and in-jokes, and what's happening. i want to be more active on
my art socials but i feel like i have so little to offer in terms of art, or posting
sometimes it sucks to be so slow with art due to low energy, and with conversations. i miss
being a lot more social like i was in the past, but i also have such little energy/desire for it
as well!!! and it sucks!!!!
even on my personal tumblr blog i have spurts where i have basically nothing to say or
contribute, because my energy is poured elsewhere
anyway whine whine rant. also yandere fics for zhongli suck 🤮 this is a more light-hearted
gripe alongside that and just me being annoyed that x reader fic content NEVER fits anything for
sylvie. i gotta make all the dang food myself (or commission it)
on a good note at least i began doing commissions again, and finished this cute cupcake for a
commissioner which i'll eventually upload to my art gallery
i began a sims 3 legacy challenge yesterday and I can definitely tell you it's been
something so far in the very first day; for once i'm glad my game crashed and wound me
back to the beginning because:
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Completely randomized sim, cute girl but the combo of traits of hopeless romantic and
shy are something alongside mooch
Broke her phone literally in the first 3 minutes
Already a smartphone addict due to her lifelong trait of being a blogger (and not having
anything in her 3x3 house to really use
Had a session where the game crashed thankfully, where she failed her job interview as a
spa receptionist and it depressed her so much that she couldn’t even do her
acrobat job she picked up because she was just sobbing the whole on and off day and was
to depressed to clean which also made her upset. Hit too close to home LOL. Also kept
going insane on a full moon which didn’t let her sleep or do anything for that
day. Couldn’t socialize well because of her shyness and it was an endless vicious
loop where it crashed when I hovered over the ‘unclog’ option on the toilet.
Fitting
After the crash (and losing an hour of work, we’ll pretend it’s a nightmare
she had) she did get the job this time, her room is more furnished though it’s
living on scraps right now and her blog is instead about her (non-existent) love life
(instead of about living on low wages for food)
i feel like i need to make a page just documenting all my plushies i have in easy access bc.
yknow. plushies. i also have custom ones of my sylvie blorbo + my zhongli pile ... and my old
webkinz off screen + my pokemon
final day of post-grad finished on the 15th, although we still have a showcase to do of our big
VR project ... to celebrate, i bought salmon today and this dino friend i kept eyeballing when i
went to our grocery store last time (and on discount!)
i also finally got back into making my brick breaker game (tl;dr my computer wipe nuked my old
project completely, which in a weird way was a blessing in disguise to begin from zero here and
do cleaner code). freecodecamp has a really good
beginner tutorial on brick breakers in Unity
and it's what im following to do the base for this (though i'm deviating, obviously LOL)
mass compliation of my bentos I ended up making for my semester at school; I would've done more
but last semester wasn't one to have 6h classes unlike this one.
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#blabbering#whole buncha food#on a different aside i finally got my guitar hero controller mod#which was missing from my mailbox LOL
@sylviegirly
gorgeous pigeons doves sitting outside on our fence and just preening ... they are so
pretty ...
what is it with me and getting times that end in x:x8 lately? i get that 8 is my favourite
number but this is silly
sighs, curse of the fixation jumping has hit me, and in this case it's migrating my giant Notion
database of Genshin characters to uh ... Obsidian. i always wanted to keep a database of all my
characters + their planned/existing builds cause I genuinely forget sometimes what i'm doing
(plus links to builds on sites like game8 cause i'm lazy). i did have it on notion but 1. it's
laggy 2. it feels locked to online
so ... here's the progress so far!! i've been learning a little more about the dataview plugin
to have little aesthetic cards to use, cause i do like some visual flair, even if i also
prefer simple over the busy-ness you get out of Notion
man i miss webkinz. i gotta try to play it again, though the fact it's turned to a subscription
based model puts me off to it to some degree ... and why is it not in browser mode anymore??? i
hate having to download apps for games that used to be fully browser based. (ok small aside it
sounds like they are trying to return classic to the browser)
november 16, 2007 ... god i feel old, this account has been around for 18 years now. my google
was my first webkinz and they're sitting displayed on my fandom shelf LOOL.
i wonder if people play more of the classic webkinz, or more of the upgraded 3d one ... kinda
sucks none of my pets carry over to the new one, so i'm not terribly inclined to do much on it
euuehguegh i can feel that it's gonna be a long term project to put up a decade's worth of art
in my art gallery ... i had to comb thru my entire art + rp + personal tumblr blogs to scrape
what tiny stuff i could
godspeed to myself to get through 300+ art pieces to set them up and write alt text for them all
since they don't have any ...
at least i found my goofy ass challenge images i did to try to draw with my left hand and eyes
closed
sorry i’m just ill over imagining hu tao watching zhongli while he’s with sylvie and the
tenderness in his look and the smile that’s a little wider and more unguarded compared to his
general composure
‘old friend’ he says, and it is true that the tenderness is born out of a friendship that
is old, but few of the others he’s looked at with such love and care does he reach out to
touch, to have a hand pressed against skin, fabric, to welcome it in return
obviously hu tao is not going to say anything on it outside of maybe allude to it but it’s just
funny how obvious he was to people who know him (and do not have the veneer of ‘is rex lapis’
covering it as well, though i don’t doubt even the adepti would notice something—but because of
his previous role, i don’t think many would sit and think on it too long out of respect)
The title probably isn't exactly the wording of it, but yesterday was the first
time I wrote in my physical journal after 6 months of not doing it; my last entry was
mid-December, but I sorely needed to dump my thoughts out somewhere more tangible. I do still
want to pick up physical journaling for the tactile feel of writing and truly having a
non-digital way to blurt out my thoughts or the mundane things of life, I do realize I also
already do journal in many different facets, which is probably why it also makes it harder to
feel the need to physically journal.
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Cause I:
Write here on this blog to thought dump in a more cohesive manner
Use status.cafe to offload 'at the moment' thoughts so they don't sit in my skull
Write on tumblr to also offload momentary thoughts in a more public/interactive place
Talk to friends to offload thoughts
... but I still want to do physical journaling to have something in my hands that I can look
back on; it was fun flipping through my journal and seeing what I wrote about 6 months ago,
plus I like decorating it with stickers. Though I think the urge to be uh ... what's the
word ... to have a pretty looking journal brought me as well to a weird barrier, as well as
feeling the need to do it daily and needing to write more than just a single line or two. As
fun as it is looking through how others do their own for inspiration, it's hard not to feel
a trickle of the need
to join in, and write that much, and have nice journals.
Well, I'm going to force myself to at least write just a line, and no
more. A simple highlight of the day. If I need to write more, I will, if I don't ... I don't
and just leave it to the next day for another highlight. If I want to do stickers, I will,
but I need
to not make myself think it needs them.
Journaling is definitely hard with ADHD, but it can definitely be done in a
lot of different forms; I've seen people who have digital diaries logged on their sites, or
/now pages documenting what's been happening, or status updates, and so on. There's
definitely catharsis and something about having a document of your life somewhere tangible,
either in HTML, or handwritten. Especially as someone with subpar memory, it helps to be
able to look back on a part of the past and know it happened, and what was going on then.
Anyway, this is me just rambling about my recognition of journaling in different forms and
the desire to try to pick up handwritten journaling again.
Not too sure where I wanna go with this, but I was mostly just thinking about how my main OC(s)
end up having a lot more overlaps with me than I sometimes realize, and I realize far too late
about it.
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Mostly cause I realize ...
Sylvie has a thought process where
they don't think that people will remember them. Obviously they are a god who
has been forgotten/left behind, so their train of thought isn't all too surprising,
especially when they will outlive even human companions that have a short hundred-year
lifespan to cram people and events and things. But I realized today that I ... also struggle
with conceptualizing that people think of me outside a bubble, if that makes sense. It's
weird to wrap my brain around the concept that I can be admired, or talked about outside of
conversations ... I guess kinda like ...
God fuck it all cycles
back to ADHD
doesn't it LMFAO, I was gonna say it's like object permanence and the idea of being out of
sight, out of mind. If it's the case, it's probably why it's hard for me to imagine that I
remain in people's memories or that people admire me/things I've done, cause my own brain is
lost in its own world until I have visual reminders of someone/something (even though I also
have people I admire for what they've done, I dunno why my brain just has a blocker thinking
the other way around).
... and I only realize this now fully in looking at my own OC.
Obviously, there's more than just that, Sylvie emulates a lot of the energy I'd
like to have, though my pool of energy is very subpar 99% of the time. Also ENFP
(them) vs INFP (me), a love of trying out new things, of food, and ... y'know, getting the
ADHD beam after I began researching it for myself. Though ironically, unlike my suspected
inattentive ADHD, theirs is hyperactivity and moving at 100% almost all the time and being
unable to sit still.
Hideki was the other main OC I had for 7 years before
Sylvie took that mantle, and because he had been with me for so long (literally through
high-school and my college years), he's absorbed a lot from me.
INFP personality type
Gamers
Subpar confidence from back then and bad social anxiety
Overthinkers
Love language is cooking
Easily emotional and turning to crying to cope
Tries their best to be nice to everyone, surprised when it's returned
I lived a lot through him in a way, in his successes and his sadness as an outlet.
... so yeah ... har har, boo boo the fool is I ...
Although my other big OCs (Yadyra and
Nameless) do not have that emotional tie-in to my heart
as coping mechanisms, and considering how much they are their own characters standing on
their own feet (also immensely non-human and not like my personality at all), parts
of me still slip in. Hell, food as a joy will always tend to remain in all my characters,
even if they don't need to eat, or they're more specific enjoyments (inside joke between a
friend and I is that Yadyra currently has a burrito obsession).
Anyway! Incoherent blog post yapping that you bleed in over your OCs more than you realize
🫣
I dunno why it spooks me to write about it, I guess because there's some part of me that still
feels like I'm a black sheep, because I only have being ace to my name, and some part of me
worries about being seen as 'invading' due to still IDing as cis, and heteroromantic, or that my
aceness isn't valid because of it (and god knows I've also seen my share of aphobia, not towards
myself but in general from even within LGBTQ+ communities).
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It's not that I haven't questioned how I personally feel about my own gender, cause
unironically I've found
a Tumblr post
from way back in 2014 when I was ~16 years old talking about it.
i sometimes– idk what gender i am? like idk how to classify myself
i know im a girl and i feel like a girl but… i dont too?
like i dont care that im a girl
i accept it but just… shrugs towards the gender????
maybe demigirl?????
I've sat and thought about it and ruminated and revisited it over the years, and still
circle back that I'm ok with just IDing as a girl, even if in concept it's not really
integral to me/not something I'm deeply connected to; it's like a container full of one type
of goop (feminine) but it's an immensely muted colour.
Funnily enough, I lived more gender euphoria through exploring
Sylvie's gender identity
(considering in the years I've had them it's shifted from masc he/they, to fully agender
they/them—since he/him for them made me feel uncomfortable—to finding a wild joy
in they/she and how much I feel that it fits them perfectly),
Hideki's exploration of presenting
himself as more fem and that it makes him happy, and finding
cassgender cause it hit the nail on
the head how I feel about myself; although I am comfortable IDing as a girl, and it is my
identity I am also comfy with, I feel disconnected to being it/it's not a huge part of how I
see myself.
(Might also kinda speak to why a lot of my OCs are agender, or don't see it as
important to their own identities.)
As for romantic interest ... I think I like guys by the process of elimination more than
anything (no attraction to girls, single IRL crush was a guy, I like fictional
men—though I do have some fictional women I like, ex. Acheron who I like more in awe
of cause I
love her as a character). Truthfully I also have very little interest in the
concept of dating, though I think the concept of more romantic interactions is cute (albeit
I think romance, if pursued, needs a basis of friendship and someone you'd trust to talk
about with stuff like you would with friends ... I don't see much of a difference between a
romantic relationship and a friendship, minus some additional aspects ... and I mean this in
the sense for myself, everyone views the two in their own personal ways).
Although I feel muddied and bland with my own self, I love seeing other people, and the
characters people make, and what they are and what is comfortable to them. I love learning
about different identities and how one expresses themselves and how they best feel
comfortable in whom (or what) they are, I love seeing people's posts about their progress,
transitions, their thoughts and ideas and posts talking about themselves, of stories from
people who are in their old ages who have found new pieces of themselves or the openness to
be themselves after so long. And I hope everyone finds somewhere safe they can exist,
considering the state of the world today (and even before today too).
Not really a coherent blog post, it's more akin to a verbal and personal diary dump in
trying to sort out my thoughts (maybe I need to rename this section to blog/diary) ... and
who knows, maybe like that Tumblr post from earlier, I'll revisit this later down in my life
and see how I feel. Something in my chest feels a little lighter talking about it, putting
it into words that I know won't quite as easily disappear under the copious amounts of posts
on my own blog.
... and my thoughts being,
why are people so weird about someone being non-sharing
when it comes to yumeshipping / OC x canon? It's not the first time I've seen posts around like
'I don't believe in non-sharing, media characters belong to everyone' like ... ??? Why are you
to dictate if ... it exists or doesn't? Does someone not wanting to see content of their
f/o in a romantic light offend
you? Do you think non-sharing people will grip their pitchforks and yell at you that you like or
make ship content including their f/o?
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This is more I suppose a personal gripe/vent blog post, but I've never understood the
general catch-all mentality some people have that non-sharing people are 'hogging' a
character, or that characters need to be shared. It's not one I often see, but the few times
I have seen it baffles me.
This is not counting those who have seen non-sharing people who do go out of their
way to harass others sharing their f/o's, or have ... weirdly aggressive
DNIs (which I've seen as
well, like literally the level of 'do not interact with me if you even
simp for my very real boyfriends!!!'), but to lump most people which I know
generally tend to stick to their own lanes into a bubble of 'you are wrong for wanting to
keep this private' is. Weird as fuck to me.
I say this as a non-sharing person who does curate my space, literally block buttons exists,
filters exist, not looking at blogs and sites exist. Yes, I could say the same that
I can just opt to not look at the people who complain about 'non-sharing people', but it is
frustrating to me when people look at others sitting in their own corners, doing their own
thing, and think it's wrong for them to want to not see certain
content of something that is a comfort to them.
No, I don't want to see Zhongli ships. I am happy for those who make OCs that kiss him,
genuinely I do mean it cause he is a wonderful character, but I do not want to see it
because my ship has an emotional comfort for me. I rarely will ever block someone for it,
and if I can opt to filter tags, I will happily do so as well. But never will I go chase
down someone because they have an OC/selfship with him, or they like some ship with him. All
I ever ask, for those who do talk to me, is merely that if those topics come up, I will step
out of the convo until it is over.
So again, it's why I'm always very confused why people treat non-sharers like we're hoarding
characters or gonna chew out people who like/have ships with that character. Most people
will just sit in their corners and do what makes them happy; it's the same energy as
pointing to someone just standing in a corner and being like 'this person offends me'. God
forbid people set up their own boundaries for their comfort and people get offended for it.
(The DNI thing will bring me to another tangent I also think about a lot, but TL;DR
this tumblr post
summarizes it very well as to how I feel about DNIs in this day and age on
sites/rentries/carrds.)
Ah, I think I figured out why I dislike DNIs conceptually so much: they're attempts to set
boundaries but are actually the complete opposite of how boundaries are supposed to work. A
boundary is not a demand you make of someone else (which is what a DNI is) but instead an
action you take against someone else's behavior. In this case, setting a boundary would be
blocking people who violate the DNI criteria, not making a statement about how they
shouldn't follow you. Making a DNI is requesting a courtesy from other people, but it is not
establishing a boundary.
Anyway, that's all to say I'm rambling on and just very sad when I see non-sharing people
like myself essentially get told that our comfort levels don't matter or exist or are
supported, that because we'd like to keep our ships to our heart and not see others ... that
we're 'bad' for doing so.
Sighs, game nostalgia ... though mine usually always swirls around the old MMOs I used to play.
Well, one isn't even all that old, considering I only quit it just 1–2 years ago.
I love Elsword still as a game, but I miss the old
era of it, when the level cap wasn't 99, it was 60, when the newest character was my future
main LuCiel, when the graphics and UI were chunky and dungeons took 10 minutes to clear vs the 2
minutes they take now. And it sucks because the private servers I've found rarely ever
capture the essence of that time in the 2012-2015 era (minus one I just literally found
that's barely getting its legs as of April 25th)
because most move to the modern game, which I dislike.
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Other older elsword screenshots
There's a tinge of nostalgia that lingers for that era of 2013 Elsword, and for the time
I used to play Perfect World International too, one
which has so many private servers that it's not hard to find one covering the classic
era I played it in (also in the 2010-2013 range), but unlike Elsword ... trying to play it
ends up with me just dropping it a couple of days later. Some servers allow you to boost to
level cap, but I don't see the joy in that when I never got to level cap and experienced
endgame; to me, I liked the idea of leveling and going through dungeons on my own, but even
in private servers that have a boost in EXP, it still unfortunately feels tedious and clunky
and awkward!!!
And it makes me sad, because Perfect World International has SUCH a gorgeous landscape,
beautiful music I still enjoy tenderly to this
day, and allowed you to take a mount and fly across the entire map if you wanted to.
It's a nostalgia, but it's one that makes me sad to some degree because I wish I
could enjoy those games like I did when I was young, where I remember losing hours staying
up late to play and grind, with the guilds I used to be in ... and perhaps It's because
I don't have the people anymore that brought light to those games that makes it so much
harder to get back into them. I don't mind solo grinding, but a lot of my fun was in
partaking in guild PVP fights and running dungeons and just talking with people while
playing dress-up with my cute fox-girl summoner (funnily enough my nostalgia here was from a
private server, I never got far in the official game and instead opted to play long-term in
a private server).
Elsword I just straight up quit alongside my bestie, so that's less a case of
community and more a case that there aren't many private servers that cover the
era we both knew. Otherwise, the game as it is sucks, more in terms that raids and
continual enhancements have made the game a riddled, pay-to-win elitist mess, where if you
decided to main the 'wrong class' people don't want you in the most recent raids
(case in point, my class was considered a sub-par DPS and only could work alongside a second
DPS instead of carrying a raid like other more powerful DPS classes, so I was shafted
a lot when it came to finding raid parties vs my friend who played a support that was always
in demand ... and since we were a duo pair, and we didn't go into separate parties, it
made progressing in the game stressful because of how people were about it).
(das me and my friend there, I'm on the right)
I'm glad FFXIV (even if on hiatus for me at the moment) fills a lot of that hole of an
MMO I can see myself dedicating time into ... and that I already have; although it cannot
replace the ache and longing for those games of the past, at least it can give me something
new to pour myself into.
Although it makes me sad to think about sometimes, I'm glad there are places trying to
preserve the older times, even if the people that made those times good are gone now, it
doesn't hurt to live a little bit of nostalgia before shelving it again.
(I realize this is the same case with Club Penguin for me, a deeply nostalgic game, but I
can't play it anymore like I used to because it's such a community centric game, and doing
stuff on your own is only so much fun)
On the topic of ADHD ... it's still something I'm rolling around in my brain; it's
only been in the last 6–8 months that I've really settled with the idea that I may
most likely have inattentive ADHD ... I don't have a way of getting assessed for it (not
until I move out anyway), but my head has been deep into videos and research and what not, and
helping a friend realize she also most likely has it (and her scoring high on an actual
assessment test) also settled it in my own brain.
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It's kinda funny cause I've had someone point out some posts I've made (on
tumblr) align a lot with ADHD in the past, and I was there like 'haha it's a mood,
but I don't have it' while also finding myself nodding and agreeing with other posts
people made about their ADHD/neurodivergent moods and experiences ... and while thinking
'yeah, I feel that a lot, but I probably don't have it as bad as other people'.
At least until I saw
this post
and something made it click in a way where I was like 'oh'.
Because ... I've had a lot of systems I put in place over the years. Reminders for my
'subpar memory' even for minor tasks like showering, setting tiny work amounts
(pomodoro), always relying on background noise, running timers for even small things like my
tea steeping, doing things on call with my friend, schedules, doing things half-way and at
least taking stride in that over nothing at all, subconscious fidgeting, putting things in
easy access and view, and probably other things I can't quite think of.
And it's funny because my long-term bestie of 8+ years now told me 'I always thought
you had it' or something akin to basically having it like a red stamp on my forehead
LOOOL. On top of other people also pointing it out, and that the love and fixation I have
for Sylvie is definitely beyond the norm (for a normal, neurotypical person anyway).
Obviously growing on the internet, being fixated on your own OCs and fictional faves
wasn't unusual to me so it's why that didn't seem weird to me, and that
normal not-online people either way aren't weird about their own characters (if they
even make any) but yeah. Never really clicked.
But it feels like an answer to a lot of things of how I am.
My memory is terrible, yesterday blends into the past, and it's blurry. I
remember going to a cool food festival event with some coworkers and having the time of my
life ... but as soon as I get home/the next day, the event feels like it happened so long
ago, like years. Things don't feel real in particular, even though I know I was there,
there's some weird disconnect that I never really have been able to change. And I'm
sad because many fun events I know I've enjoyed myself at, I have no memories of if I
never noted them down in some form (pictures, writings), or if they were significant enough.
And even those blend: ex. we've been to Cuba multiple times on vacation and I remember
general strokes and chunks like me finding a living starfish, but if you asked me which of
those trips it was, I could not tell you.
I remembered a friend's birthday once because she shared it with my favourite fictional
character at the time, otherwise I need to write them down in my reminders to remember, even
if I love them.
Time blindness is a bitch, and so is task paralysis (spinning random
wheels/coin flips are a nice solution for that).
I am cursed to enjoy staring new projects and the hype and fixation rush (to be fair, this
site is one right now!!), but to not have the capability to carry most projects to their
completion without either working in a team, or having deadlines imposed on me with
consequences due to stress overwriting the ADHD part of the brain (I do not look at the
amount of projects I began around Sylvie, like a visual novel and RPG Maker game that are
half done).
My thoughts are jumbled and messy and jump in places, I can go from topic to topic without
finding it weird, I like using my own experiences to connect to situations. To be fair,
recognizing that it most likely is ADHD that is causing this has helped me view things in a
different light. Why I struggle to want to start something, why I like having an item here
but not there, what works for my focus and when my focus is absolutely shot (I usually try
to do 10–20 minutes of work even then, sometimes even just starting is enough
to get me to do a little more work than planned).
I tried to journal, but both physical and digital journals flopped for me (I know I do not
have to write in them every day, but if I don't try to keep consistency in some form, I
then forget to do the thing ... as soon as I slip, I usually stop doing it). Audio
journaling has been good to thought dump without feeling some looming pressure to write, or
want to decorate, and I don't feel the need to do it daily.
Aside from that, I usually rely on my phone reminders and timers to keep some semblance of
organization in my life, and I like organizing things in other facets of my life to scratch
an itch (like this site, my tumblr blog, my Notion, etc).
But here are some of the tools I've liked to use:
Structured — a scheduling app, I use it on
and off, but I really like how it visualizes your free time + how your day is filled;
it's indie made as well
Spirit City: Lo-fi Sessions
— my most recent addition, it's like having a second buddy with you, plus it has a
lot of lo-fi + background sounds included like brown noise and rainfall (which are my
go-to)
ScreenZen — to avoid the time blindness
pitfall and to just help scrolling habits in general (or not getting lost in Cookie Run
games for 2—3 hours), also an indie app
Untold — my audio journaling app,
sadly only for iOS; I've fallen off from using it, but it was a nice tool for a while
Habitica — I've fallen off using
Habitica and already migrated my whole system to iOS's native Reminders, but
it's honestly a pretty good interactive habit tracker/to-do for those who'd like
a little RPG aspect to it
Not too sure what else to say outside of ... adult ADHD being hard to diagnose sucks!! I
think I know where mine came from if it is genetic (staring holes into my own dad), but
it's definitely not something like I feel like I can bring up with my own family.
Thankfully the online sphere is full of wonderful people, and information to see and get
from people who genuinely have it as well, so ... I am glad I've learned a little more
about myself and understand myself a little better through it. Perhaps one day I can get a
full confirmation (hard not to have the lingering doubts about faking it eugh), but until
then I learn what works for me, and helps my brain a little more.
(It's actually the 13th as I finish writing this, but it's ok, shh.)
Hrrrr, well I guess it might be best to start the blogging page with err, a blog. It
might be a good way to also test out placing in images into actual article pages and see how
they function in the first place.
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And it works!! Neat knowing block images can be centered with auto left/right
margins. Anyway, onto the actual blog post ... it's kinda hard cause when I do sit to
think about what I wanna write, I blank out; audio journalling has helped a lot on days I
need to thought dump (thanks Untold for that, very
sad it's iOS only) but it's rare that I do need to do it.
So blog posts here will probably be very sporadic, but I will try to document things to the
best of my ability, might it be something I'm working on or learning.
Right now, I'm definitely in the trenches with the last 2 weeks of school, considering
assignments are heavily piled on right now. I'm not terribly worried since I've got
good grades in all of my classes, and my projects that are heavier work (Unity ones) I
managed to get an extension on. I hate to admit that Copilot is perfect for coding prototype
stuff
really fast, especially since my brain isn't a coder one (funny how I
decided to code a whole website then), and it's been easing up a lot of the stress
I've had with this game project. Making curling into a VR game is ... weird, but
I've got an idea, and it's slowly shaping into something more solid. Thankfully,
it's only a prototype, so I'm not going super in-depth.
The other is just interactables, and it might take me more to make some shitty and quick
ProBuilder models to do a base colour on, vs just having physics based items you interact
with to simulate the tea-making industrial process (which surprisingly is still very
hands-on, this
wonderful video by Wu Mountain Tea
is what I'm going to base it off, and probably do the oolong tea process in a more
simplified version.
Aside from that, working on this site has helped me to understand HTML/CSS better, though
Javascript is still a mystifying beast to me. Most likely because I know nothing about the
syntax they use for functions and things. Like I understand at a vague level (duh, I had C#
drilled into my brain for years in Game Design), but otherwise ... icky, spooky.
Still a lot to do, and I'm very stumped on how I wanna handle OC profiles. It might be
the one instance where I do make a different CSS layout just for OCs and place them in a
folder to figure that out.
Otherwise, I do hope to get some work done on that because I wanna join the yume ring
that's here, but it requires a completed shrine. I guess if I think about it, shrines
are also ways to make new css/HTML layouts for something you like to dedicate to it. I do
really like ... yeah yeah, it is
homogenizing, but I do like consistency across the look of a website for anything
that isn't a special page. I have mad respect for the people who can make new layouts
for pages, cause I definitely could never (both in energy and my brain fighting against it).
Part of me wonders if I can just reuse my <intro> and <aside> sections and
modify them with my existing CSS, but also blehhhh. If there's a code that allows you to
'merge' columns (aka have one div that spans two of your defined columns) I might be
able to just use my old CSS, but some part of me also just wants to say fuck it and just
make an altered version only for OCs.
I do have Toyhouse for all of them, and I prefer that as my
OC hub for hosting everything + uploading all of my art and commissions, but I think
it'd be so cool to make something a little more custom (I say as if my layout isn't
inspo'd by the CSS layout I have on there, which speaking of I should credit in my
footer as inspo). I most likely will end up doing the same for my character layouts, or see
what other people have done on here, or see if any existing templates I can adjust/gut to
work with my current CSS ... anyway, plans and plans.
I should be playing the new HSR update, but I've been so sucked into either
website work, or school work. Hell, even poor Minecraft got left behind which was my
fixation ... but that's it for now!! Till next time I get brainworms I need to offload.
sylvie and zhongli coming out of the bedroom, sylvie is marked with hickies (and hand marks) all
over their neck and chest that’s clearly seen, zhongli is absolutely plastered with lipstick
marks (and a very subtly angry bite just peeking out from under his collar)