Although I call it a blog, this is a hodgepodge of more of my own personal thoughts put into larger text chunks. The most recent blog post will be first and foremost, but you can check out previous blog posts below!
— May 28, 2025
Not too sure where I wanna go with this, but I was mostly just thinking about how my main OC(s) end up having a lot more overlaps with me than I sometimes realize, and I realize far too late about it.
Mostly cause I realize ... Sylvie has a thought process where they don't think that people will remember them. Obviously they are a god who has been forgotten/left behind, so their train of thought isn't all too surprising, especially when they will outlive even human companions that have a short hundred-year lifespan to cram people and events and things. But I realized today that I ... also struggle with conceptualizing that people think of me outside a bubble, if that makes sense. It's weird to wrap my brain around the concept that I can be admired, or talked about outside of conversations ... I guess kinda like ...
God fuck it all cycles back to ADHD doesn't it LMFAO, I was gonna say it's like object permanence and the idea of being out of sight, out of mind. If it's the case, it's probably why it's hard for me to imagine that I remain in people's memories or that people admire me/things I've done, cause my own brain is lost in its own world until I have visual reminders of someone/something (even though I also have people I admire for what they've done, I dunno why my brain just has a blocker thinking the other way around).
... and I only realize this now fully in looking at my own OC.
Obviously, there's more than just that, Sylvie emulates a lot of the energy I'd like to have, though my pool of energy is very subpar 99% of the time. Also ENFP (them) vs INFP (me), a love of trying out new things, of food, and ... y'know, getting the ADHD beam after I began researching it for myself. Though ironically, unlike my suspected inattentive ADHD, theirs is hyperactivity and moving at 100% almost all the time and being unable to sit still.
Hideki was the other main OC I had for 7 years before Sylvie took that mantle, and because he had been with me for so long (literally through high-school and my college years), he's absorbed a lot from me.
I lived a lot through him in a way, in his successes and his sadness as an outlet.
... so yeah ... har har, boo boo the fool is I ...
Although my other big OCs (Yadyra and Nameless) do not have that emotional tie-in to my heart as coping mechanisms, and considering how much they are their own characters standing on their own feet (also immensely non-human and not like my personality at all), parts of me still slip in. Hell, food as a joy will always tend to remain in all my characters, even if they don't need to eat, or they're more specific enjoyments (inside joke between a friend and I is that Yadyra currently has a burrito obsession).
Anyway! Incoherent blog post yapping that you bleed in over your OCs more than you realize 🫣
— May 23, 2025
I dunno why it spooks me to write about it, I guess because there's some part of me that still feels like I'm a black sheep, because I only have being ace to my name, and some part of me worries about being seen as 'invading' due to still IDing as cis, and heteroromantic, or that my aceness isn't valid because of it (and god knows I've also seen my share of aphobia, not towards myself but in general from even within LGBTQ+ communities).
It's not that I haven't questioned how I personally feel about my own gender, cause unironically I've found a Tumblr post from way back in 2014 when I was ~16 years old talking about it.
i sometimes– idk what gender i am? like idk how to classify myself
i know im a girl and i feel like a girl but… i dont too?
like i dont care that im a girl
i accept it but just… shrugs towards the gender????
maybe demigirl?????
I've sat and thought about it and ruminated and revisited it over the years, and still circle back that I'm ok with just IDing as a girl, even if in concept it's not really integral to me/not something I'm deeply connected to; it's like a container full of one type of goop (feminine) but it's an immensely muted colour.
Funnily enough, I lived more gender euphoria through exploring Sylvie's gender identity (considering in the years I've had them it's shifted from masc he/they, to fully agender they/them—since he/him for them made me feel uncomfortable—to finding a wild joy in they/she and how much I feel that it fits them perfectly), Hideki's exploration of presenting himself as more fem and that it makes him happy, and finding cassgender cause it hit the nail on the head how I feel about myself; although I am comfortable IDing as a girl, and it is my identity I am also comfy with, I feel disconnected to being it/it's not a huge part of how I see myself.
(Might also kinda speak to why a lot of my OCs are agender, or don't see it as important to their own identities.)
As for romantic interest ... I think I like guys by the process of elimination more than anything (no attraction to girls, single IRL crush was a guy, I like fictional men—though I do have some fictional women I like, ex. Acheron who I like more in awe of cause I love her as a character). Truthfully I also have very little interest in the concept of dating, though I think the concept of more romantic interactions is cute (albeit I think romance, if pursued, needs a basis of friendship and someone you'd trust to talk about with stuff like you would with friends ... I don't see much of a difference between a romantic relationship and a friendship, minus some additional aspects ... and I mean this in the sense for myself, everyone views the two in their own personal ways).
Although I feel muddied and bland with my own self, I love seeing other people, and the characters people make, and what they are and what is comfortable to them. I love learning about different identities and how one expresses themselves and how they best feel comfortable in whom (or what) they are, I love seeing people's posts about their progress, transitions, their thoughts and ideas and posts talking about themselves, of stories from people who are in their old ages who have found new pieces of themselves or the openness to be themselves after so long. And I hope everyone finds somewhere safe they can exist, considering the state of the world today (and even before today too).
Not really a coherent blog post, it's more akin to a verbal and personal diary dump in trying to sort out my thoughts (maybe I need to rename this section to blog/diary) ... and who knows, maybe like that Tumblr post from earlier, I'll revisit this later down in my life and see how I feel. Something in my chest feels a little lighter talking about it, putting it into words that I know won't quite as easily disappear under the copious amounts of posts on my own blog.
If you got to the end, thank you. 🖤🩶🤍💜
—
... and my thoughts being, why are people so weird about someone being non-sharing when it comes to yumeshipping / OC x canon? It's not the first time I've seen posts around like 'I don't believe in non-sharing, media characters belong to everyone' like ... ??? Why are you to dictate if ... it exists or doesn't? Does someone not wanting to see content of their f/o in a romantic light offend you? Do you think non-sharing people will grip their pitchforks and yell at you that you like or make ship content including their f/o?
This is more I suppose a personal gripe/vent blog post, but I've never understood the general catch-all mentality some people have that non-sharing people are 'hogging' a character, or that characters need to be shared. It's not one I often see, but the few times I have seen it baffles me.
This is not counting those who have seen non-sharing people who do go out of their way to harass others sharing their f/o's, or have ... weirdly aggressive DNIs (which I've seen as well, like literally the level of 'do not interact with me if you even simp for my very real boyfriends!!!'), but to lump most people which I know generally tend to stick to their own lanes into a bubble of 'you are wrong for wanting to keep this private' is. Weird as fuck to me.
I say this as a non-sharing person who does curate my space, literally block buttons exists, filters exist, not looking at blogs and sites exist. Yes, I could say the same that I can just opt to not look at the people who complain about 'non-sharing people', but it is frustrating to me when people look at others sitting in their own corners, doing their own thing, and think it's wrong for them to want to not see certain content of something that is a comfort to them.
No, I don't want to see Zhongli ships. I am happy for those who make OCs that kiss him, genuinely I do mean it cause he is a wonderful character, but I do not want to see it because my ship has an emotional comfort for me. I rarely will ever block someone for it, and if I can opt to filter tags, I will happily do so as well. But never will I go chase down someone because they have an OC/selfship with him, or they like some ship with him. All I ever ask, for those who do talk to me, is merely that if those topics come up, I will step out of the convo until it is over.
So again, it's why I'm always very confused why people treat non-sharers like we're hoarding characters or gonna chew out people who like/have ships with that character. Most people will just sit in their corners and do what makes them happy; it's the same energy as pointing to someone just standing in a corner and being like 'this person offends me'. God forbid people set up their own boundaries for their comfort and people get offended for it.
(The DNI thing will bring me to another tangent I also think about a lot, but TL;DR this tumblr post summarizes it very well as to how I feel about DNIs in this day and age on sites/rentries/carrds.)
Ah, I think I figured out why I dislike DNIs conceptually so much: they're attempts to set boundaries but are actually the complete opposite of how boundaries are supposed to work. A boundary is not a demand you make of someone else (which is what a DNI is) but instead an action you take against someone else's behavior. In this case, setting a boundary would be blocking people who violate the DNI criteria, not making a statement about how they shouldn't follow you. Making a DNI is requesting a courtesy from other people, but it is not establishing a boundary.
Anyway, that's all to say I'm rambling on and just very sad when I see non-sharing people like myself essentially get told that our comfort levels don't matter or exist or are supported, that because we'd like to keep our ships to our heart and not see others ... that we're 'bad' for doing so.
—
Sighs, game nostalgia ... though mine usually always swirls around the old MMOs I used to play. Well, one isn't even all that old, considering I only quit it just 1–2 years ago.
I love Elsword still as a game, but I miss the old era of it, when the level cap wasn't 99, it was 60, when the newest character was my future main LuCiel, when the graphics and UI were chunky and dungeons took 10 minutes to clear vs the 2 minutes they take now. And it sucks because the private servers I've found rarely ever capture the essence of that time in the 2012-2015 era (minus one I just literally found that's barely getting its legs as of April 25th) because most move to the modern game, which I dislike.
There's a tinge of nostalgia that lingers for that era of 2013 Elsword, and for the time I used to play Perfect World International too, one which has so many private servers that it's not hard to find one covering the classic era I played it in (also in the 2010-2013 range), but unlike Elsword ... trying to play it ends up with me just dropping it a couple of days later. Some servers allow you to boost to level cap, but I don't see the joy in that when I never got to level cap and experienced endgame; to me, I liked the idea of leveling and going through dungeons on my own, but even in private servers that have a boost in EXP, it still unfortunately feels tedious and clunky and awkward!!!
And it makes me sad, because Perfect World International has SUCH a gorgeous landscape, beautiful music I still enjoy tenderly to this day, and allowed you to take a mount and fly across the entire map if you wanted to.
It's a nostalgia, but it's one that makes me sad to some degree because I wish I could enjoy those games like I did when I was young, where I remember losing hours staying up late to play and grind, with the guilds I used to be in ... and perhaps It's because I don't have the people anymore that brought light to those games that makes it so much harder to get back into them. I don't mind solo grinding, but a lot of my fun was in partaking in guild PVP fights and running dungeons and just talking with people while playing dress-up with my cute fox-girl summoner (funnily enough my nostalgia here was from a private server, I never got far in the official game and instead opted to play long-term in a private server).
Elsword I just straight up quit alongside my bestie, so that's less a case of community and more a case that there aren't many private servers that cover the era we both knew. Otherwise, the game as it is sucks, more in terms that raids and continual enhancements have made the game a riddled, pay-to-win elitist mess, where if you decided to main the 'wrong class' people don't want you in the most recent raids (case in point, my class was considered a sub-par DPS and only could work alongside a second DPS instead of carrying a raid like other more powerful DPS classes, so I was shafted a lot when it came to finding raid parties vs my friend who played a support that was always in demand ... and since we were a duo pair, and we didn't go into separate parties, it made progressing in the game stressful because of how people were about it).
(das me and my friend there, I'm on the right)
I'm glad FFXIV (even if on hiatus for me at the moment) fills a lot of that hole of an MMO I can see myself dedicating time into ... and that I already have; although it cannot replace the ache and longing for those games of the past, at least it can give me something new to pour myself into.
Although it makes me sad to think about sometimes, I'm glad there are places trying to preserve the older times, even if the people that made those times good are gone now, it doesn't hurt to live a little bit of nostalgia before shelving it again.
(I realize this is the same case with Club Penguin for me, a deeply nostalgic game, but I can't play it anymore like I used to because it's such a community centric game, and doing stuff on your own is only so much fun)
—
On the topic of ADHD ... it's still something I'm rolling around in my brain; it's only been in the last 6–8 months that I've really settled with the idea that I may most likely have inattentive ADHD ... I don't have a way of getting assessed for it (not until I move out anyway), but my head has been deep into videos and research and what not, and helping a friend realize she also most likely has it (and her scoring high on an actual assessment test) also settled it in my own brain.
It's kinda funny cause I've had someone point out some posts I've made (on tumblr) align a lot with ADHD in the past, and I was there like 'haha it's a mood, but I don't have it' while also finding myself nodding and agreeing with other posts people made about their ADHD/neurodivergent moods and experiences ... and while thinking 'yeah, I feel that a lot, but I probably don't have it as bad as other people'.
At least until I saw this post and something made it click in a way where I was like 'oh'.
Because ... I've had a lot of systems I put in place over the years. Reminders for my 'subpar memory' even for minor tasks like showering, setting tiny work amounts (pomodoro), always relying on background noise, running timers for even small things like my tea steeping, doing things on call with my friend, schedules, doing things half-way and at least taking stride in that over nothing at all, subconscious fidgeting, putting things in easy access and view, and probably other things I can't quite think of.
And it's funny because my long-term bestie of 8+ years now told me 'I always thought you had it' or something akin to basically having it like a red stamp on my forehead LOOOL. On top of other people also pointing it out, and that the love and fixation I have for Sylvie is definitely beyond the norm (for a normal, neurotypical person anyway). Obviously growing on the internet, being fixated on your own OCs and fictional faves wasn't unusual to me so it's why that didn't seem weird to me, and that normal not-online people either way aren't weird about their own characters (if they even make any) but yeah. Never really clicked.
But it feels like an answer to a lot of things of how I am.
My memory is terrible, yesterday blends into the past, and it's blurry. I remember going to a cool food festival event with some coworkers and having the time of my life ... but as soon as I get home/the next day, the event feels like it happened so long ago, like years. Things don't feel real in particular, even though I know I was there, there's some weird disconnect that I never really have been able to change. And I'm sad because many fun events I know I've enjoyed myself at, I have no memories of if I never noted them down in some form (pictures, writings), or if they were significant enough. And even those blend: ex. we've been to Cuba multiple times on vacation and I remember general strokes and chunks like me finding a living starfish, but if you asked me which of those trips it was, I could not tell you.
I remembered a friend's birthday once because she shared it with my favourite fictional character at the time, otherwise I need to write them down in my reminders to remember, even if I love them.
Time blindness is a bitch, and so is task paralysis (spinning random wheels/coin flips are a nice solution for that).
I am cursed to enjoy staring new projects and the hype and fixation rush (to be fair, this site is one right now!!), but to not have the capability to carry most projects to their completion without either working in a team, or having deadlines imposed on me with consequences due to stress overwriting the ADHD part of the brain (I do not look at the amount of projects I began around Sylvie, like a visual novel and RPG Maker game that are half done).
My thoughts are jumbled and messy and jump in places, I can go from topic to topic without finding it weird, I like using my own experiences to connect to situations. To be fair, recognizing that it most likely is ADHD that is causing this has helped me view things in a different light. Why I struggle to want to start something, why I like having an item here but not there, what works for my focus and when my focus is absolutely shot (I usually try to do 10–20 minutes of work even then, sometimes even just starting is enough to get me to do a little more work than planned).
I tried to journal, but both physical and digital journals flopped for me (I know I do not have to write in them every day, but if I don't try to keep consistency in some form, I then forget to do the thing ... as soon as I slip, I usually stop doing it). Audio journaling has been good to thought dump without feeling some looming pressure to write, or want to decorate, and I don't feel the need to do it daily.
Aside from that, I usually rely on my phone reminders and timers to keep some semblance of organization in my life, and I like organizing things in other facets of my life to scratch an itch (like this site, my tumblr blog, my Notion, etc).
But here are some of the tools I've liked to use:
Some of my favourite YouTubers for information:
And some of my favourite (standalone) videos:
Not too sure what else to say outside of ... adult ADHD being hard to diagnose sucks!! I think I know where mine came from if it is genetic (staring holes into my own dad), but it's definitely not something like I feel like I can bring up with my own family. Thankfully the online sphere is full of wonderful people, and information to see and get from people who genuinely have it as well, so ... I am glad I've learned a little more about myself and understand myself a little better through it. Perhaps one day I can get a full confirmation (hard not to have the lingering doubts about faking it eugh), but until then I learn what works for me, and helps my brain a little more.
(It's actually the 13th as I finish writing this, but it's ok, shh.)
—
Hrrrr, well I guess it might be best to start the blogging page with err, a blog. It might be a good way to also test out placing in images into actual article pages and see how they function in the first place.
And it works!! Neat knowing block images can be centered with auto left/right margins. Anyway, onto the actual blog post ... it's kinda hard cause when I do sit to think about what I wanna write, I blank out; audio journalling has helped a lot on days I need to thought dump (thanks Untold for that, very sad it's iOS only) but it's rare that I do need to do it.
So blog posts here will probably be very sporadic, but I will try to document things to the best of my ability, might it be something I'm working on or learning.
Right now, I'm definitely in the trenches with the last 2 weeks of school, considering assignments are heavily piled on right now. I'm not terribly worried since I've got good grades in all of my classes, and my projects that are heavier work (Unity ones) I managed to get an extension on. I hate to admit that Copilot is perfect for coding prototype stuff really fast, especially since my brain isn't a coder one (funny how I decided to code a whole website then), and it's been easing up a lot of the stress I've had with this game project. Making curling into a VR game is ... weird, but I've got an idea, and it's slowly shaping into something more solid. Thankfully, it's only a prototype, so I'm not going super in-depth.
The other is just interactables, and it might take me more to make some shitty and quick ProBuilder models to do a base colour on, vs just having physics based items you interact with to simulate the tea-making industrial process (which surprisingly is still very hands-on, this wonderful video by Wu Mountain Tea is what I'm going to base it off, and probably do the oolong tea process in a more simplified version.
Aside from that, working on this site has helped me to understand HTML/CSS better, though Javascript is still a mystifying beast to me. Most likely because I know nothing about the syntax they use for functions and things. Like I understand at a vague level (duh, I had C# drilled into my brain for years in Game Design), but otherwise ... icky, spooky. Still a lot to do, and I'm very stumped on how I wanna handle OC profiles. It might be the one instance where I do make a different CSS layout just for OCs and place them in a folder to figure that out.
Otherwise, I do hope to get some work done on that because I wanna join the yume ring that's here, but it requires a completed shrine. I guess if I think about it, shrines are also ways to make new CSS/HTML layouts for something you like to dedicate to it. I do really like ... yeah yeah, it is homogenizing, but I do like consistency across the look of a website for anything that isn't a special page. I have mad respect for the people who can make new layouts for pages, cause I definitely could never (both in energy and my brain fighting against it). Part of me wonders if I can just reuse my <intro> and <aside> sections and modify them with my existing CSS, but also blehhhh. If there's a code that allows you to 'merge' columns (aka have one div that spans two of your defined columns) I might be able to just use my old CSS, but some part of me also just wants to say fuck it and just make an altered version only for OCs.
I do have Toyhouse for all of them, and I prefer that as my OC hub for hosting everything + uploading all of my art and commissions, but I think it'd be so cool to make something a little more custom (I say as if my layout isn't inspo'd by the CSS layout I have on there, which speaking of I should credit in my footer as inspo). I most likely will end up doing the same for my character layouts, or see what other people have done on here, or see if any existing templates I can adjust/gut to work with my current CSS ... anyway, plans and plans.
I should be playing the new HSR update, but I've been so sucked into either website work, or school work. Hell, even poor Minecraft got left behind which was my fixation ... but that's it for now!! Till next time I get brainworms I need to offload.
Blogging / Diary Center
