On ADHD and Myself + Tools

On the topic of ADHD ... it's still something I'm rolling around in my brain; it's only been in the last 6–8 months that I've really settled with the idea that I may most likely have inattentive ADHD ... I don't have a way of getting assessed for it (not until I move out anyway), but my head has been deep into videos and research and what not, and helping a friend realize she also most likely has it (and her scoring high on an actual assessment test) also settled it in my own brain.

It's kinda funny cause I've had someone point out some posts I've made (on tumblr) align a lot with ADHD in the past, and I was there like 'haha it's a mood, but I don't have it' while also finding myself nodding and agreeing with other posts people made about their ADHD/neurodivergent moods and experiences ... and while thinking 'yeah, I feel that a lot, but I probably don't have it as bad as other people'.

At least until I saw this post and something made it click in a way where I was like 'oh'.

Because ... I've had a lot of systems I put in place over the years. Reminders for my 'subpar memory' even for minor tasks like showering, setting tiny work amounts (pomodoro), always relying on background noise, running timers for even small things like my tea steeping, doing things on call with my friend, schedules, doing things half-way and at least taking stride in that over nothing at all, subconscious fidgeting, putting things in easy access and view, and probably other things I can't quite think of.

And it's funny because my long-term bestie of 8+ years now told me 'I always thought you had it' or something akin to basically having it like a red stamp on my forehead LOOOL. On top of other people also pointing it out, and that the love and fixation I have for Sylvie is definitely beyond the norm (for a normal, neurotypical person anyway). Obviously growing on the internet, being fixated on your own OCs and fictional faves wasn't unusual to me so it's why that didn't seem weird to me, and that normal not-online people either way aren't weird about their own characters (if they even make any) but yeah. Never really clicked.

But it feels like an answer to a lot of things of how I am.

My memory is terrible, yesterday blends into the past, and it's blurry. I remember going to a cool food festival event with some coworkers and having the time of my life ... but as soon as I get home/the next day, the event feels like it happened so long ago, like years. Things don't feel real in particular, even though I know I was there, there's some weird disconnect that I never really have been able to change. And I'm sad because many fun events I know I've enjoyed myself at, I have no memories of if I never noted them down in some form (pictures, writings), or if they were significant enough. And even those blend: ex. we've been to Cuba multiple times on vacation and I remember general strokes and chunks like me finding a living starfish, but if you asked me which of those trips it was, I could not tell you.

I remembered a friend's birthday once because she shared it with my favourite fictional character at the time, otherwise I need to write them down in my reminders to remember, even if I love them.

Time blindness is a bitch, and so is task paralysis (spinning random wheels/coin flips are a nice solution for that).

I am cursed to enjoy staring new projects and the hype and fixation rush (to be fair, this site is one right now!!), but to not have the capability to carry most projects to their completion without either working in a team, or having deadlines imposed on me with consequences due to stress overwriting the ADHD part of the brain (I do not look at the amount of projects I began around Sylvie, like a visual novel and RPG Maker game that are half done).

My thoughts are jumbled and messy and jump in places, I can go from topic to topic without finding it weird, I like using my own experiences to connect to situations. To be fair, recognizing that it most likely is ADHD that is causing this has helped me view things in a different light. Why I struggle to want to start something, why I like having an item here but not there, what works for my focus and when my focus is absolutely shot (I usually try to do 10–20 minutes of work even then, sometimes even just starting is enough to get me to do a little more work than planned).

I tried to journal, but both physical and digital journals flopped for me (I know I do not have to write in them every day, but if I don't try to keep consistency in some form, I then forget to do the thing ... as soon as I slip, I usually stop doing it). Audio journaling has been good to thought dump without feeling some looming pressure to write, or want to decorate, and I don't feel the need to do it daily.

Aside from that, I usually rely on my phone reminders and timers to keep some semblance of organization in my life, and I like organizing things in other facets of my life to scratch an itch (like this site, my tumblr blog, my Notion, etc).

But here are some of the tools I've liked to use:

• Structured — a scheduling app, I use it on and off, but I really like how it visualizes your free time + how your day is filled; it's indie made as well
• ScreenZen — to avoid the time blindness pitfall and to just help scrolling habits in general (or not getting lost in Cookie Run games for 2—3 hours), also an indie app
• Untold — my audio journaling app, sadly only for iOS
• Habitica — I've fallen off using Habitica and already migrated my whole system to iOS's native Reminders, but it's honestly a pretty good interactive habit tracker/to-do for those who'd like a little RPG aspect to it
• Brown noise (sometimes with rain) — good for anything I need to focus on intensely and don't want voices for (since otherwise I rely on YouTube videos), case in point with me writing this blog

Some of my favourite YouTubers for information:

• How to ADHD
• Rick Has ADHD
• Life Actuator
• The Mini ADHD Coach

And some of my favourite (standalone) videos:

• ADHD Simulator (her channel in general has good ADHD stuff)
• ADHD Love shorts in general
• ADHD Test (had some thoughtful prompts in it)

Not too sure what else to say outside of ... adult ADHD being hard to diagnose sucks!! I think I know where mine came from if it is genetic (staring holes into my own dad), but it's definitely not something like I feel like I can bring up with my own family. Thankfully the online sphere is full of wonderful people, and information to see and get from people who genuinely have it as well, so ... I am glad I've learned a little more about myself and understand myself a little better through it. Perhaps one day I can get a full confirmation (hard not to have the lingering doubts about faking it eugh), but until then I learn what works for me, and helps my brain a little more.

(It's actually the 13th as I finish writing this, but it's ok, shh.)

Let's Start! I Suppose ...

Hrrrr, well I guess it might be best to start the blogging page with err, a blog. It might be a good way to also test out placing in images into actual article pages and see how they function in the first place.

And it works!! Neat knowing block images can be centered with auto left/right margins. Anyway, onto the actual blog post ... it's kinda hard cause when I do sit to think about what I wanna write, I blank out; audio journalling has helped a lot on days I need to thought dump (thanks Untold for that, very sad it's iOS only) but it's rare that I do need to do it.

So blog posts here will probably be very sporadic, but I will try to document things to the best of my ability, might it be something I'm working on or learning.

Right now, I'm definitely in the trenches with the last 2 weeks of school, considering assignments are heavily piled on right now. I'm not terribly worried since I've got good grades in all of my classes, and my projects that are heavier work (Unity ones) I managed to get an extension on. I hate to admit that Copilot is perfect for coding prototype stuff really fast, especially since my brain isn't a coder one (funny how I decided to code a whole website then), and it's been easing up a lot of the stress I've had with this game project. Making curling into a VR game is ... weird, but I've got an idea, and it's slowly shaping into something more solid. Thankfully, it's only a prototype, so I'm not going super in-depth.

The other is just interactables, and it might take me more to make some shitty and quick ProBuilder models to do a base colour on, vs just having physics based items you interact with to simulate the tea-making industrial process (which surprisingly is still very hands-on, this wonderful video by Wu Mountain Tea is what I'm going to base it off, and probably do the oolong tea process in a more simplified version.

Aside from that, working on this site has helped me to understand HTML/CSS better, though Javascript is still a mystifying beast to me. Most likely because I know nothing about the syntax they use for functions and things. Like I understand at a vague level (duh, I had C# drilled into my brain for years in Game Design), but otherwise ... icky, spooky. Still a lot to do, and I'm very stumped on how I wanna handle OC profiles. It might be the one instance where I do make a different CSS layout just for OCs and place them in a folder to figure that out.

Otherwise, I do hope to get some work done on that because I wanna join the yume ring that's here, but it requires a completed shrine. I guess if I think about it, shrines are also ways to make new CSS/HTML layouts for something you like to dedicate to it. I do really like ... yeah yeah, it is homogenizing, but I do like consistency across the look of a website for anything that isn't a special page. I have mad respect for the people who can make new layouts for pages, cause I definitely could never (both in energy and my brain fighting against it). Part of me wonders if I can just reuse my <intro> and <aside> sections and modify them with my existing CSS, but also blehhhh. If there's a code that allows you to 'merge' columns (aka have one div that spans two of your defined columns) I might be able to just use my old CSS, but some part of me also just wants to say fuck it and just make an altered version only for OCs.

I do have Toyhouse for all of them, and I prefer that as my OC hub for hosting everything + uploading all of my art and commissions, but I think it'd be so cool to make something a little more custom (I say as if my layout isn't inspo'd by the CSS layout I have on there, which speaking of I should credit in my footer as inspo). I most likely will end up doing the same for my character layouts, or see what other people have done on here, or see if any existing templates I can adjust/gut to work with my current CSS ... anyway, plans and plans.

I should be playing the new HSR update, but I've been so sucked into either website work, or school work. Hell, even poor Minecraft got left behind which was my fixation ... but that's it for now!! Till next time I get brainworms I need to offload.